With Hans dead, there's basically no way we can do that now. I thought about it, but the only shot I'd have is if I get back there sooner rather than later. The leaders have said things are frozen but...I can't trust that. My crest doesn't even work right here-
[ he holds up his hand, the six petals on it glowing faintly. ]
When Hans died before, there were five petals. He's dead now, and there's still six. I can't trust anything here. So I need to get back, I need to— [ he's talking faster as he goes through it, laying out logic that isn't all that logical like some type of mantra or prayer. ]
Yeah, but what else was I suppose to do!?!? Sit down and just take everyone saying they're sorry that my world is fucked just cause they didn't want to think their friend killed!?!?!
[ he starts laughing here, at himself. when he catches his breath. ]
...sometimes, when my back is against the wall I—I do things I don't really understand. It makes sense at the time but when I look at back at it, it really doesn't.
Yeah!? Yeah!? That's what people do when they panic, they do stupid things! Though if that's your first instinct in those situations, then there's probably something wrong with you!
She didn't suffer, you know. I broke her neck pretty much immediately after I knocked her out. I only did the rest of it to throw everyone off cause it worked for Reigen with Yae.
[ he's a lot of things but he's not into torture. ]
...sorry. I said you could be mad at me before, and I meant it. I mean it now too.
[ he bites his lip, struggling if he wants to say something or stuff it back down. ]
I know, that's not what I meant. I meant...don't feel bad about it. I don't think you would, but I wanted to say that anyway.
[ he takes a breath, closes his eyes and tries to center himself even if he's still thrumming with emotions. it's all really stormy, like a hurricane. ]
he doesn't know why he thinks the way he does. why he does the things that are stupid and insane. why he feels—
trying to look at them makes him feel like his mind is going to split into two. like he's going to go over a waterfall that he didn't even know was there. like he's going to step into an abyss and be lost forever.
his eyes snap open and he rolls up to a seated position, biting his lips hard enough now to draw blood.
why. ]
I want to say something else. No I‐have to say it. Cause I'm not gonna have another chance. [ he turns to face her properly, like he did when he apologized for lying about his fruit bombs. ]
I love you.
And sorry for...sorry. [ everything? this? maybe. ]
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no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 01:42 am (UTC)With Hans dead, there's basically no way we can do that now. I thought about it, but the only shot I'd have is if I get back there sooner rather than later. The leaders have said things are frozen but...I can't trust that. My crest doesn't even work right here-
[ he holds up his hand, the six petals on it glowing faintly. ]
When Hans died before, there were five petals. He's dead now, and there's still six. I can't trust anything here. So I need to get back, I need to— [ he's talking faster as he goes through it, laying out logic that isn't all that logical like some type of mantra or prayer. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 01:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 01:55 am (UTC)[ yes he is in fact
this stupid ]
no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 02:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 02:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 02:26 am (UTC)But if you were going to hold a grudge against someone, why not the jerk who tried to frame you for Satan? Or did you make that up?
[ right now, she doesn't think she can trust anything. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 02:30 am (UTC)[ when your vengeance braincell works in odd ways. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 02:49 am (UTC)And pulling that stunt with a hostage!? How the hell did you think that was going to end?
no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 02:58 am (UTC)Better than the other two times I did it? The last time Hans told me he didn't care if I killed them so it couldn't have gone worse than that...
no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 03:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 03:53 am (UTC)[ he starts laughing here, at himself. when he catches his breath. ]
...sometimes, when my back is against the wall I—I do things I don't really understand. It makes sense at the time but when I look at back at it, it really doesn't.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 04:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 04:15 am (UTC)...probably. I had to be crazy to spend all those years with my Master.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 04:22 am (UTC)And above all, I must have been crazy for actually thinking you were better than that.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 04:41 am (UTC)[ he's a lot of things but he's not into torture. ]
...sorry. I said you could be mad at me before, and I meant it. I mean it now too.
[ he bites his lip, struggling if he wants to say something or stuff it back down. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 04:48 am (UTC)I don't need your permission to be mad at you. If you weren't in that cell, I'd kick your ass.
1/2
Date: 2023-10-15 05:10 am (UTC)[ he takes a breath, closes his eyes and tries to center himself even if he's still thrumming with emotions. it's all really stormy, like a hurricane. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 05:20 am (UTC)he doesn't know why he thinks the way he does. why he does the things that are stupid and insane. why he feels—
trying to look at them makes him feel like his mind is going to split into two. like he's going to go over a waterfall that he didn't even know was there. like he's going to step into an abyss and be lost forever.
his eyes snap open and he rolls up to a seated position, biting his lips hard enough now to draw blood.
why. ]
I want to say something else. No I‐have to say it. Cause I'm not gonna have another chance. [ he turns to face her properly, like he did when he apologized for lying about his fruit bombs. ]
I love you.
And sorry for...sorry. [ everything? this? maybe. ]
1/2
Date: 2023-10-15 05:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 05:54 am (UTC)I hate you! And I won't forgive you.
[ and now she's turning to leave. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 06:00 am (UTC)[ said honestly, not to placate her.
and then he laughs a little, cause he's heard that before. wipes something away from his eye.
he missed the abyss, barely. ]
...good. [ he's gonna flop on the floor again, dig his nails into his head because his brain is full of buzzing and he wants to wrench it open. ]